The Pens Gurus: Playoff Beards

I was listening to the radio yesterday at work and I heard an interview between Mikey and Big Bob over at 96.1 Kiss and Max Talbot. For the most part they talked about Playoffs beards. That got me thinking there are some many different types of playoff beards.

Interview with Max Talbot:
http://www.961kiss.com/cc-common/mediaplayer/player.html?redir=yes&mps=&mid=http://a1135.g.akamai.net/f/1135/18227/1h/cchannel.download.akamai.com/18227/podcast/PITTSBURGH-PA/WKST-FM/FS_Max%20On%20The%20Freak%20Show.mp3?CPROG=PCAST&CPROG=RICHMEDIA&MARKET=PITTSBURGH-PA&NG_FORMAT=chr&NG_ID=wkst96fm&OR_NEWSFORMAT=&OWNER=&SERVER_NAME=www.961kiss.com&SITE_ID=1853&STATION_ID=WKST-FM&TRACK=

First we must define what a playoff beard is and discuss the tradition behind the playoff beard.
The “Playoff Beard” or the man patch is a superstitious practice among the NHL and their fans during the quest for Lord Stanley’s Cup. There are not really any defined rules but:

A. The beard may ONLY be trimmed if you lose. This is allowed to try and promote a “turn” in you luck.

B. Neck Beards are acceptable and encouraged.

C. The man patch should start the first day of Round 1 and continue until your team is either eliminated or they win the coveted cup.

It is said that the tradition of the Playoff Beard stared in the 1980’s by the New York Islanders.

Now let’s get down to the different types of beards.

1. The “Wolf Man”, “Wolverine” or “Viking”. This beard can be spotted on players like Ryan Malone (PIT), Ryan Whitney (PIT), Jeremy Roenick (SJS), Jason Smith (PHI), and Marty Turco (DAL).

http://www.thepittsburghchannel.com/slideshow/11607572/detail.htmlindex.html?currentSlide=11&taf=pit

The “Wolf Man” is one of the most common playoff beards among players and fans alike. The beard essential requires little to no man-scaping. The beard itself, in the later stages, is hard to see were it starts and stops. It connects to the sideburns, eyebrows, down the neck, the chest, and the back of the neck.

The originator of the “Wolf Man” was Ken Morrow of the 1980’s New York Islanders.

2. The “Fuzzy”, “Peach Fuzz”, “Pedro” or “Zorro”. This beard is common among the younger hockey players who haven’t quite got there big boy beards yet. Who’s got it? Sidney Crosby (PIT), Tyler Kennedy (PIT), Alexander Ovechkin (WASH), Marc Staal (NYR)

These boys have made a good attempt at the “Playoff Beard” but have fallen short. Sprouting only about 40 visible hairs on there baby faces they end up looking like haven’t washed their faces in couple of days, just drank chocolate milk or busted out mom’s eyeliner. The effect is more comical than fierce. The more advanced ‘stache can also include a little chin fluff or some spotty mutton chops. Without a doubt the best one I’ve seen rocking the almost-stache would go to Sidney Crosby.

3. The “Caveman” or “Dapple”. This is the beard in between the “Wolf Man” and the “Zorro”. Players sporting it : Brooks Orpik (PIT), Jarrko Ruutu (PIT), Steve Downie (PHI), Henrik Zetterberg (DET), Henrik Lundquist (NYR), Mike Modano (DAL).

Dapple (verb) means to mark with many spots. Synonyms: speckle, sprinkle, pepper. There a little fuller than the “Fuzzy” but no anywhere as thick as the “Wolf Man”. The impression this type of beard gives of in that a player had speared his face with dirt or that they need to apply some Rogaine to fills in the spots.

4. The “Ron Jeremy” “Pornstache” “Child Molester”. Player rocking these beards are the gutsier players. Max Talbot (PIT), Hal Gill (PIT), Brendan Shanahan (NYR), Marty Biron (PHI)

This is actually one of my favorite types of Playoff beards. Why? Because they are friggin’ hilarious, and the wearer needs to have certain “cockiness” about them to be effective in wearing it. There are a few varied types.

A. The Goatee – full stache with a slight soul patch/flavor savor underneath

B. The Handlebar-ish – full on fluffy stache that attaches to the side burns

C. The final style has no name but in can be identified because you can barely see the person’s mouth through all the hair. The mustache and the beard actually connect into one furry mass over the mouth.

Then there’s also the version that goes COMPLETELY wrong. Jaromir Jagr’s wanna be porn ‘stache ended up looking like a beaver-hitler-landingstrip-turd smooshed on his chin. Yes, I said it…Jagr looks like he’s rockin pubes on his chin!!

5. The “Paul Bunyan” or “Chuck Norris”. This is the fullest and fiercest of the Playoff Beards. This is were you are only, just able to make out a player face. Those manly enough to strut it like a mountain man include Scott Niedermeyer(ANH), Mike Commodore (NYR), Kris Draper (DET), Joe Thornton (SJS) and the originator Denis Potvin.